jewish jokes get a good laugh a collection of the authors favorites
Jewish Jokes
WARNING: Please do not read the jokes in this section if you are priggish or otherwise thin-skinned! Some of the jokes you may consider to be in bad taste, though frankly your level of comfort reading these jokes will correspond to your own level of self-acceptance within the larger Jewish "mishpochah" or havurah. NONE of the jokes listed here are meant to be interpreted in a hostile, anti-Semitic, or negative way .
The Jewish Dog
Hymie walks into his synagogue with a dog. The shammas immediately comes up to him and says, "This is a House of Worship, Hymie, you know you can't bring a dog in here."
"What do you mean I can't?" says Hymie, "Look at him, he's a Jewish dog."
The shammas then notices that the dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Hymie then says to the dog, "Benjamin, daven for me."
The dog stands on his back legs and says, "Woof woof, woof, " then opens the tallis bag, takes out a kippa and puts it on his head, exactly in between its ears.
"Woof, woof, " says the dog who then pulls out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof, woof, woof, " says the dog who then takes out a siddur and starts to pray, rocking from side to side.
"That's brilliant, " says the shammas, "totally incredible. You must get him on TV and the movies and you could make millions."
"You speak to him then, " says Hymie, "he wants to be a doctor."
How to Kvell
Sadie is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping center when she bumps into Becky, an old friend of hers. Becky is looking after her two grandchildren whilst their mother does some shopping on her own.
Sadie says, "Oh Becky, what beautiful children, how old are they?"
"Well, " Becky kvelled, "the lawyer is 6 months and the doctor is 2 years."
The Frum Bear
A man, out for a walk in the woods came across a bear. Frightened for his life, he ran as fast as he could to escape and hide in a cave. He was horrified to find that the bear followed him into the cave trapping him. He closed his eyes and recited "Shema Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying!
The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! He's frum! We're mishpocheh...and I'm not Kosher. I'm saved!" He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...hamotzi lechem min haaretz."
Jewish Mothers Q&A
Q. What is a genius?
A. An average student with a Jewish Mother.
Q. What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
A. You never write, you never call, you only come to see me when you need money.
Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
A. Who catered it?
Q. What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
A. Guilt
Q. What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
A. Gefiltered
Q. Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
A. So her daughter would visit twice a week
Q. Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A. They never let anyone finish a sentence.
The Jewish Knight
A Jewish doctor makes a great medical discovery for which the Queen has decided to grant him knighthood. At the ceremony, as she touches his shoulders with the sword, he is supposed to recite an ancient Celtic blessing.
However, for all his medical genius, the doctor cannot seem to memorize the required Celtic words. On the day of his investiture, the nervous doctor waits his turn as several others are being knighted before him. As he listens to one after another correctly recite the Celtic blessing, he grows more and more nervous.
Finally, when he kneels before the Queen of England and she taps his shoulders with the sword, the good doctor completely forgets the Celtic words, and substitutes the first foreign words that pop into his head: "Ma Nishtahnah Ha Lailah Ha Zeh."
The Queen, clearly confused, looked to the gathered crowd, and says, "Why is this Knight different from all the other Knights?"
Learning to be Jewish
We were baby-sitting for my grandkids and my wife was playing a word game with cards with the five-year-old, Brittany Goldberg. (Yes --that's her name -- I couldn't make that one up!)
The little one had just drawn her second "O, " and was trying to make a word with the other letters she had. She put them together in front of her, switching the letter cards and looking for a word she knew.
Then with a triumphal cry, she said "look Grandma, I made a word!"
When my wife looked at her cards, she had lined up the cards to spell K-O-O-B.
Beckie asked, "What kind of word is 'koob'?"
"No Grandma, you're not saying it right -- it says 'book'."
Beckie had a sinking feeling. Has the little one got dyslexia, she wondered? She said gently, "But, darling, you've spelled it backwards!"
With a sigh reserved for dumb adults, she explained, "Of course I have. I'm Jewish!"
Favorite Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite rugalahs wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven; there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite rugulahs.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the rugalah was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a rugalah at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Don't touch, " she said, "they're for the shiva."
Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings
If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.
For dying, you always have time.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
Synagogue Services
One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning rabbi, " replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?
Some Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Sears.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cedilla and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 40.
Terms:
Bris: (n) (Yiddish) Circumcision ceremony; b'rit.
Daven: (v) (Yiddish) To pray, esp. from a Siddur or prescribed prayers from a prayerbook.
Frum: (adj) (Yiddish) Observant; Kosher;
Gefilte Fish: (n) Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Hamotzi lechem min haaretz: (phr) Hebrew blessing "who gives bread from the earth, " said before partaking a meal in a Jewish household.
Kippa: (n) (Yiddish) A small head covering (kippah); yarmulke.
Kosher: (adj) Ceremonially fit to eat.
Kvell: (v) (Yiddish) To gush with pride; to glow over one's (grand)children.
Ma Nishtahnah Ha Lailah Ha Zeh: (phr) (Hebrew) "Why is this night different from other nights?" One of the "four questions" a child traditionally asks during a Passover Seder.
Mishpocheh: (n) (Yiddish) Family.
Mitzvah: (n) Commandment; Righteous act; "good deed"; blessing.
Next Year in Jerusalem!: (phr) Said when celebrating Passover in the Diaspora; Jews who are already living in Jerusalem say, "L'shanah ha'ba b'Yerushalayim ha'benuyah! Next year in Jerusalem, [the Temple] Rebuilt!"
Rugalah: (n) Delicious Jewish cookie.
Shammas: (n) (Yiddish) Servant of the synagogue; sexton; chief concierge.
Shema Yisrael: (n) (Hebrew) The main creedal statement of Jews declaring that G-d is One.
Shiva: (n) (Yiddish) Seven day period of mourning prescribed by frum Jews and halakha.
Siddur: (n) A prayerbook containing the key Hebrew prayers for synagogue service.
Tallis Bag: (n) (Yiddish) A decorative bag for holding a tallis (tallit) or prayer shawl.
Tallis: (n) (Yiddish) A prayer shawl.
"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion
The Rabbi's Recommendation
So the Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi.
The Executive Committee met and ne-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd been fired? So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major upwardly mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life?"
"Simple, " answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare he has no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mentch (He's not a human being!).
The Rabbi's Hat
A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi.
"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself, " said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.
At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exclaimed his wife.
"It doesn't matter, " he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.
Ethnocentric, nu?
An American Indian comes back to the Reservation to visit with his parents after spending some time in New York. He says to his father that he's fallen in love with a nice Jewish girl. His father is mortified and says " You're betraying your heritage and you'll break your mother's heart that you're not marrying a nice Indian girl. You know how Jews are, they'll feel the same way and you'll be ostracized in both camps."
The son reassures his father, "Don't worry. They must have already accepted the situation because they have already given their daughter an Indian name." "Really?" says the father. "What name?" The son answers, "Sitting Shiva."
Don't Make Trouble!
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot.
The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests.
Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago.
The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray.
"This is mishegoss!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Jewish Names
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this?
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Einstein Explained
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
A Sign from G-d
A rabbi is driving down a small side street, and suddenly his car hits another head-on. He gets out of his car and walks over to the other one to make sure nobody was hurt. He discovers that the other driver, who was unharmed, is a priest. The two clergymen start talking and agree that it is a miracle that neither one was hurt. It must be a sign from God. The rabbi's eyes light up, and he returns to his car. He rejoins the priest, carrying a bottle in his hands.
The rabbi tells the priest that it must also be a sign from God that he happened to have a bottle of wine in his car. They should have a drink of thanksgiving. The priest heartily agrees. The rabbi pours two cups of wine. The priest drinks it down in a single gulp, but the rabbi doesn't touch his. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol." "
Clerics in Space
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are sent into space. On their reentry, as the shuttle returns to earth, there is a large group of reporters waiting for them on the landing strip. The minister emerges first, with a special glow in his eyes. A reporter asks him how he felt, circling the earth in space. The minister replies, "I felt very close to Jesus up there!"
The priest emerges with a very satisfied look on his face. The same reporter yells out, "Father, what was it like in space?" The priest answers, "It seemed like I could almost reach out and touch Mary and all the saints."
The rabbi is the last to appear, and he looks exhausted and haggard. The reporter asks him what space was like, and he moans, "Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv, Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv..."
Jewish Mothers
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
Terms:
Goy: (n) Non-Jew; outsider; golem; plural = "goyim." Semi-derogatory.
Goyisha: (adj) Gentile; Goyish; "Gentilish"; non-Jewish
Ma'ariv: (n) (Hebrew) Evening prayers
Mincha: (n) (Hebrew) Afternoon prayers
Mishegoss: (n) Craziness; madness; lunacy
Shacharit: (n) (Hebrew) Morning prayers
Sitting Shiva: (phr) (Yiddish) A seven day period of mourning performed when a Jew dies
Yarmulka: (n) (Yiddish) A skullcap worn when attending synagogue services or when reciting Hebrew prayers.
Zayda: (n) (Yiddish) Grandfather.
"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion
The Headache
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad kopvaitiks (headaches). "Zay is mir, " she sighs. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My kopvaitik is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
Nu?
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret.
This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shah! don't talk now, Bush is coming."
Jewish Jokes
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Alkay... Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."
The Sabbath Violator
Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well, " said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute, " Morris replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side of the Story', about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
Jewish News
Abe is sitting on a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
Abe replies, "The Jewish Chronicle has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. This anti-Semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"
The Jewish Country Club
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".
A Shreklekheh Zakh!
One day, whilst Ira Levine was out shopping in Brent Cross, he noticed an old man sitting on a bench sobbing his eyes out. Ira stopped and asked him what was wrong.
The old man said, "I have a beautiful young wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
Ira said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old man continued, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite cake and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
Ira asked again, "Well, then, why would you be so sad?"
The old man continued, "And for dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 o'clock in the morning.
Exasperated, Ira yells, "Nu? why in the world would you be crying?"
"A shreklekheh zakh!" the old man replied, "I can't remember where I live!"
Kashrut
God: And remember, Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moses: Oh Lord, forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
God: No, Moses, listen to me. I am saying, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....
God: Moses, do whatever you want..........
Yiddisher Kop
Arnold and Abe are walking their dogs past the synagogue one Saturday morning.
Arnold says, "Lets go in. I hear they have really nice chopped liver at the kiddish on Shabbat."
Abe says, "they will never let us in with the dogs."
"Just follow my lead, " says Arnold and goes into the synagogue.
As he thought, the shammas tells him, "No dogs are allowed."
Arnold says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "Sorry, I didn't know. Ok, you can go in."
Abe follows.
Again the shammas says, "no dogs are allowed."
Abe says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "This is your seeing eye dog? A Chihuahua!!"
Abe looks a bit fermisht and says, "is that what they gave me?"
Terms:
A Shreklekheh Zakh: (phr) (Yiddish) A horrible thing!
Bar Mitzvah: (n) (Hebrew) Ceremony marking the entrance of a Jewish boy to the responsibilities of Jewish life (usually at about age 13). Bat Mitzvah is the ceremony for girls.
Fermisht: (adj) (Yiddish) Confused; Dizzy; perplexed (there are as many words for confused in Yiddish as there are for snow in the Eskimo language).
Kashrut: (n) Laws concerning dietary restrictions.
Kiddish: (n) (Yiddish) Blessing over wine on the eve of Sabbath or Festivals; hence, any ceremonial meal.
Kopvaitik: (n) (Yiddish) Headache.
Kosher: (adj) (Hebrew) Ceremonially fit to eat. Hence, acceptable; a-okay.
nu: (excl) (Yiddish) "Nu" is a word used to express expectation. At the doctor's office, for example, you can say, "Nu, so how does my heart sound?" At a restaurant, you can say, "Nu, when is our food coming already?" At a friend's coffee table you ask, "Nu, nu, so what's the news with the family?" In essence, "nu?" is an invitation to gossip.
Shabbos: (n) (Yiddish) Shabbat; from Friday at sundown until Saturday at sundown.
Shammes: (n) (Yiddish) Caretaker of the synagogue or shul.
Shul: (n) (Yiddish) Synagogue. Cheder or Bet Midrash.
Tallis: (n) (Yiddish) A prayer shawl worn by orthodox Jews at Shul. Hebrew: Tallit.
Yiddisher Kop: (n) A Jewish head; smarts.
Zay is Mir! (phr) (Yiddish) "I am pain itself!" - a melodramatic way of announcing that you are suffering from some sort of ailment.
Confession
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why, " asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse, " said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"
A Miracle
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel.'"
God with Us
A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters riding a motorcycle.
They are unmistakably Chassidic: yarmulke, payoth, tsitsits, the works.
He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
After a long ride during which they went onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you two for a long time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
They replied "HaShem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman, "Three people on a motorcycle!"
Collecting Alms
Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy person's house in Hampstead Garden Suburb and when the owner comes to the door, Issy greets him.
"Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I'm collecting for the Loads of Money Yeshiva, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
"The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish."
"Are you sure?" asks Issy.
"I'm positive".
"But", says Issy, "it says here that you're Jewish and my records are never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish", replies Mr. Gold impatiently.
"Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands Issy.
"For the last time, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alev hashalom, wasn't Jewish either!"
Adam's Payment
After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam, " He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is, " replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay, " said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
The Minyan
Nine male Jews are very nice, but as we all know, ten are needed for a minyan. So when the tenth person arrives, everyone is happy. But did you know that the eleventh Jew is also very important? Why is this so?
When the eleventh person enters, someone is always heard to say aloud, "Thank goodness."
The eleventh arrival always responds, "But you had a minyan already."
To which comes the reply, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the bathroom!"
The Eulogy
Issy and Howard were brothers who had lived and worked in Golders Green all their lives. Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them - they ran a crooked business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the synagogue one hundred thousand dollars if you will say at the funeral that my brother Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral, the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy's wrong doings. He mentioned what a downright nogoodnik this man really was.... He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
The Rolls Aviv!
Rabbi Levy handed in his notice, left his synagogue and opened up a Jewish bookshop. He worked very hard for several years and then decided to buy a new car. He put on a dark suit and white shirt, which looked impressive with his long beard, and went to see John, the local car dealer.
As soon as John saw him, he said, "Have I got a car for you, Rabbi!"
Levy looked at John and said, "What do you mean?"
"I mean a Rolls Aviv, " said John, "a British built car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands for the religious driver. Come over here and let me show you. You won't believe your eyes. It's unique."
John opened the door of the Rolls Aviv and Levy got in.
"Notice that it has no accelerator or brake pedal, " said John.
"So how do you stop and start it?" said Levy.
"Ah, that's the wonder of the Israeli computerized technology. It has a digital VMA-box that converts words into instructions the car understands. All you have to do is to speak the right words and the car will know what to do."
"I don't believe it, " said Levy.
"It's true. To begin driving the car, just say, "baruch HaShem (thank God)."
And as John spoke those words, the car began to move.
Levy was frightened. "How do you stop it?"
"That's easy. Just say, 'shema yisroel', and the car will stop, " said John and as he spoke these words, the car braked to a halt.
"So there it is. Say 'baruch HaShem' to start and 'shema yisroel' to stop."
Levy was so impressed, he bought the car right away. He got in, said the words, 'baruch HaShem' and soon the Rolls Aviv was heading out towards the M1 motorway. Unfortunately, Levy failed to see a sign that said, "Warning - unfinished bridge ahead. Take next turning left."
so the car continued to move at speed towards the bridge.
"Oy Vay! I'm going to crash. How do I stop it?"
Panicking, he couldn't remember what John told him. His mind was a blank and the car was quickly approaching the end of the unfinished bridge.
"This is the end of me, " Levy thought and preparing for death, he started reciting the Shema. Suddenly, the Rolls Aviv screeched to a halt with half of the car tilting over the bridge. Levy removed his trembling hand from his forehead, saw how close he had come to disaster and exclaimed with conviction, 'baruch HaShem'".
Chozzerai
Simon is a lovely 5 year old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much naches. Their only worry is the fact that he hasn't spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope.
One day, at breakfast, Hannah realizes that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, "Yuck, what chozzerai. It's not nice to start the day with such bitter tasting food."
"Simon, bubeleh, you spoke, " cries Hannah, "you've just said your very first words."
"Mazel Tov, son, " says Maurice.
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, "Why has it taken you so long to speak? You've got such a lovely clear voice and you're already quite articulate."
"Well, " answers Simon, "until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food I've been getting has always been excellent."
Terms:
Alev hashalom: (phr) "May he rest in peace, " used as an interjection when referring to a man who has died (aleha hashalom is used to refer to females)
Baruch HaShem: (phr) "Thank G-d!"
Bubeleh: (n) Term of endearment ("little grandma").
Chozzerai: (n) Disgusting food; pig's food.
HaShem: (n) Hebrew. The Name (of G-d).
Kosher: (adj) (Yiddish) Ceremonially fit to eat; clean/
Mazel Tov: (phr) "Congratulations!" (orig. "good luck!")
Mensch: (n) A good man, usually said of one who leads a good, righteous, and generous life.
Naches: (n pl) Proud pleasure or joy (usually over one's (grand)children.
Oy Vay! (excl) "How Terrible!"
Payoth: (n pl) Earlocks
Pisher: (n) (Vulgar) "Pisser" - often used to refer to one who is inexperienced, but in this case, it refers to someone who is able to "relieve" the other members of the minyan.
Minyan: (n) A quorum of 10 male Jews required by halakhah to perform prescribed prayers on behalf of the entire Jewish community.
Shema Yisroel: (Yiddish) The Shema prayer.
Tsitsits: (n pl) Fringes on a Tallis (prayer shawl).
Yarmulke: (n) (Yiddish) Head covering; skull cap used for prayers.
Yeshiva: (n) Religious school for Orthodox Jews, focusing primarily on the study of Talmud and Halakhah.
Yom Kippur: (n) (Hebrew) Day of Atonement; Highest High Holiday of the Jewish calendar
The New Shul
The Jews of Chelm decided to build a new shul. They were going to need a lot of wood for the construction. Luckily, there was a large forest located on a hill just outside of town. A number of Chelmites went out to the forest the next day and started cutting down trees. They soon had enough to build the new synagogue.
To transport the wood to town, they split into teams of four. Each team carried one tree down the hill and back to town. Just as they arrived with the very last tree, a stranger visiting town asked, "Why didn't you just roll the trees down the hill?" The mayor of Chelm hit himself in the forehead and said, "Of course! Why didn't we think of that?!" He then ordered all the workers to carry the trees back up the hill and roll them down.
Butt of the Joke
Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Schmulik replied, "Oh, about five..." The local guy replied, "No, you're wrong! You can only eat one. After that you stomach's not empty any more!!"
Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moysheh, "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Moysheh answered, "Two." Schmulik told him, "Too bad. If you had said, 'five', I would have had a great joke for you!"
The Talmid of Chelm
The rabbi of Chelm and one of his talmidim were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at dawn because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.
"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily. "I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!"
A Carpenter of Chelm
A carpenter in Chelm is fixing the roof, but as he works, he throws away about half the nails. The mayor is passing by, and asks him why he's wasting so many nails. The carpenter answers, "I take a nail out of the bag, and if it's facing the roof, I use it; if it's facing away, I know it's defective and throw it away."
The mayor tells him, "You fool! Those are for the other side!!"
Shabbat Car Deal
Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue one Shabbat morning.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'm selling my car.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but how much are you asking for it?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but $3000.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'll give you $2000 for it.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but let me think about it.
They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat afternoon.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but did you think about my offer?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I already sold it.
The Ecumenical Golf Match
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. "Your Holiness, " said one of the Cardinals, "The Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays golf very well, " a cardinal replied. "But, " he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus, " said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes, " Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
How to be a Cohen
Manny Schwartz approached the rabbi of his synagogue and said to him, "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible!
Manny offers the rabbi $10, 000, but the rabbi won't budge. He offers $50, 000...then $100, 000. Finally, the rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After six months of classes, the rabbi tells Manny, "Okay. Now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliyah in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot, and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen. Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen, too!"
You bring the Bagels
This Jewish couple won 20 million in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London, England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back to the U.S.. On the next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting their friends the Cohens over for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.
When the couple returned that evening they found the table set for eight.
They asked the butler why eight when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four?
The butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."
Some Jewish Grammar Rules
1. Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"
2. Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"
3. Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About now, a spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)
4. Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my cooking is not good enough for you?"
5. Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Harry will go with" (drop "you").
6. Move subject to end of sentences: "Is she getting heavy, that Esther?"
7. Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?"
8. Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the Goldman's for hosting the Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't eat and drink too, at my Seder? You slob, you didn't send a thank you note!"
Terms:
Aliyah: (n) (Hebrew) (f.; pl. "Aliyot"); going up, rising; in location or in personal qualities; as in "Aliyah l'Eretz Yisrael, " "Going up to live in the Land of Israel" or "Aliyah La'Torah, " "Going up to make a blessing on the Torah."
Bialy: (n) (Yiddish) Named for the Polish city of Bialystok, the 'bialy' of Jewish-Americans is descended from the 'kuchen' of Bialystok, Poland. A Bialy is a fairly large (about 6 inches across) chewy round yeast roll. Somewhat similar to a bagel, it has a depression rather than a hole in the center, and is sprinkled with chopped sauteed onion before baking.
Bracha: (n) (Hebrew) (pl. brachot); a blessing given by one to another: G-d to Man, Man to Man, or Man to G-d. Two basic types within the latter category are "Birchot HaMitzvot, " blessings said to G-d basically in gratitude for the privilege of being given a commandment of His to perform; for example, "Blessed are You, O L-rd our G-d, Who has sanctified us with His commandments, and has commanded us to hear the sound of the Shofar, " and "Birchot HaNehenin, " blessings given by Man to G-d before partaking of one of the wonderful things that HaShem has put into Creation, such as bread. The example would be "Blessed are You, O L-rd our G-d, Who brings forth bread from the earth."
Chelm: (n) (Yiddish) A town in Poland, reputed in Jewish humor to have a very dense population. There are many hilarious stories about the Chelmites and their antics. Some of these jokes doubtless were to offset the suffering many Jews experienced at the hands of the goyim.
Cohen: (n) (Hebrew) (alt. "Kohen") - (pl. "Kohanim" or "Cohanim") - Priest; Judaism is not a classless society; rather, there are three "classes" within the structure of Jewish society: Kohen, Levi and Yisrael. The Kohen is a descendant of Aaron, the High Priest, the brother of Moshe. His task is to work in the Temple, be involved with the offering of sacrifices, and with Blessing the Congregation of Israel. The Priest holds the highest status in the People of Israel, thus he is called up to the Torah first, and has first rights in leading the "Zimun" before the Birchat HaMazon. Since he did not participate in the "Goral, " or Lottery, which divided the Land of Israel, he is the recipient of certain parts of some of the sacrifices, and of various "Matnot Kehunah, " "Obligatory Presents to the Priests, ' such as Terumah. The Kohanim are a subset of the Tribe of Levi. Thus, every Kohen is a Levi, but not every Levi is a Kohen.
Kiddish: (n) (Hebrew) Prayer recited at the beginning of a festive meal on the Shabbat or the Holidays.
Shabbat: (n) (Hebrew) The holy day of rest, 7th day of the week. No "work" (or even discussion of work) may be performed on Shabbat for Shomer Shabbat Jews.
Shul: (n) (Yiddish) Synagogue.
Talmid: (n/masc.) (Hebrew) Student; pupil; disciple (plural: talmidim). "Talmid Chacham" - (m.; pl. "Talmidei Chachamim"); a Torah scholar; as in "HaRav hayah Talmid Chacham, " "The Rabbi was a Torah scholar.
Talmud: (n) (Hebrew) Repository of "Oral Law" of Judaism; consists of Mishnah and Gemara. There exist two versions: the Babylonian, or "Bavli" (this is the most frequently used version) and the Jerusalem, or "Yerushalmi." It is similar to an encyclopedia, but with by no means as strict a structure. It consists of sixty three "Masechtot, " or volumes, such as "Berachot, " or "Blessings and Prayers, " and "Sanhedrin, " or "The Jewish Supreme Court, " etc. It was written/compiled by Rav Ashi and his colleagues ca. 500 C.E., preserving generations of analysis and discussion by "Amoraim" of the more concise Mishnah, which contains the discussions of the "Tannaim". It also contains extra-legal and anecdotal material relating to all aspects of life. It is similar, in breadth and organization and random-access type memory organization, to the Internet and worldwide web, but is far deeper and qualitatively not comparable. It is referred to as the "Sea of the Talmud."
Torah: (n) (Hebrew) (f.; pl. "Torot"); literally, the "Teaching;" the "Constitution" of Judaism and the Jewish People, given to them by G-d at Mt. Sinai, some thirty three hundred years ago. This belief, that the Ten Commandments, the "Aseret HaDibrot, " which are the bare outline, as well as the entire text of the "Five Books of Moses" and their explanation, are of Divine Origin, is known as "Torah min HaShamayim;" literally, the Torah comes from Heaven. It is one of the Fundamental Beliefs of Judaism.
Some Jews think that the Torah consists of two components: the Written Torah and the Oral Torah. The Written Torah consists of two hundred forty eight Laws of Positive Action ("Mitzvot Aseh") - the "Do's" - and three hundred sixty five Prohibited
Bubbe's Medicine
In the middle of a grand theatrical performance one of the leading actors collapses, groaning, on stage. Responding to anxious requests for help from the manager a concerned huddle soon develops around him consisting, among others, of not a few eminent physicians who happen to be present in the auditorium. As they cluster round discussing possible diagnoses and treatments and the audience looks on enthralled, a voice rings out from the balcony:
"Give him chicken soup!"
The figures on stage pay no attention and carry on with their deliberations. For a second time the voice cries out:
"Give him some chicken soup!"
The discussions on stage continue, perhaps becoming somewhat more heated, and more urgent. For a third time, louder than before, the voice comes:
"Give the poor man some chicken soup!"
Exasperated, one of the figures on stage turns and addresses the source of the voice, a small wizened Jewish bubbe:
"My good woman", he says, "This man is gravely ill. What on earth could possibly be the benefit to him of plying him with chicken soup?"
All eyes turn to hear her response.
"And what harm?"
Amish Jew
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you, " she hisses at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"
She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I'm Amish."
The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."
Goyishe Kup
After forty years of pious observance, the old man had had it. He told his wife, "I'm tired of getting up early every morning to put on tefillin and say the same prayers. I'm not going to do it any more. I'm going to turn Catholic."
True to his word, he contacted a priest and began taking instruction in the Catholic faith. After several months, he did indeed become a Catholic.
Next morning, as he always did, he got up early and automatically began to put on his tefillin. "What are you doing?" asked his wife. "I thought you turned Catholic so you wouldn't have to do that any more."
"Oy!" cried the old fellow, smacking himself in the head, "goyishe kup!"
From the mouths of babes...
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife; this is called monotony.
Canine Bar Mitzvah
There was once a man who wanted to make a bar mitzvah for his dog. He decided that he would consult his Orthodox Rabbi and seek his advice.
The Rabbi said "Are you crazy!!! a Bar Mitzvah for a dog."
The man replied, "Yes, Rabbi. He has been part of my family for thirteen years"
The rabbi said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this for you"
The man continued and went along to a conservative rabbi and the rabbi responded in the same way "I can't do a Bar Mitzvah for a dog".
The man went ahead and asked his local Reform Rabbi if he would do the Bar Mitzvah for him. The Rabbi said, "Listen, we do a lot of crazy things around here but a Bar Mitzvah for a dog is absurd."
The frustrated man responded, "Rabbi, I'll give you $18, 000 to do this for me......Please..!!!" The Rabbi quickly shot his head around and said "You never told me the dog was Jewish."
Yiddishe Kup
Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew."
People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to snub the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away.
As he goes, the Jew turns to the other one and says: "Nu, Haim, and he would teach US business..."
Ask the Rabbi
Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered as if you are wearing the plane.
Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been stolen?
A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?
Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an old bubbe?
A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.
Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.
Q: According to halakhah, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your health?
A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.
Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money on Chol HaMoed.
Children's Shema
A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew teacher quoting the Shema.
"The L-rd our G-d is One, " the teacher declared.
"When will He be two?" the youngster asked.
Let go, let G-d!
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the L-rd"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help me!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"
===========================
Terms:
Bar Mitzvah: (n/masc); pl. "Bnei Mitzvah"); literally, "son of the Mitzvah;" more correctly, the status of having reached the level of being obligated in all the responsibilities and entitled to all the privileges of an adult male, in Jewish Society. In Judaism, this status is attained when a young man reaches the age of thirteen years. This milestone is considered a bitter-sweet time, a time when the parents have the "nachas, " the "pleasure of seeing the fruits of their labor, " their son growing into adulthood, but which is also a large step closer to his leaving their home. The son is generally called up to make a "bracha" on the Torah at the first opportunity after he reaches this status, and may read the Parashah and/or the Haftarah. The father is also given an "Aliyah" after his son's, at which he recites the additional blessing, "Blessed is He Who has relieved me of the punishment of this boy." A "Seudah, " a festive meal, is often celebrated in honor of this event, at which the son may say some words of Torah.
Bubbe: (n) (Yiddish) Grandmother; little grandmother; term of endearment.
Chicken Soup: (n) The proverbial cure-all provided by any good Jewish mother worthy of the name.
Chol haMoed: (n) (Hebrew) FESTIVAL BETWEEN DAY. "Secular (intermediate days) of the (holy) set times." Intermediate days of a Jewish festival, marked by some restrictions of the festival and some of the holiness.
Goy: (n) Gentile; non-Jew; sometimes said disparagingly, though the Jews themselves are referred to by God as a goy kadosh (holy nation). The term goyim acherim (other nations) found in the Prophets became shortened to goyim (pl. of goy), and then by back-formation, a non-Jew was referred to as a goy.
Goyish: (adj) Gentile-like.
Goyishe Kop: (n) (Yiddish) "Gentile head" (kup), usually said of a Jew who is not thinking well or has cockamamie ideas. Often contrasted with Yiddishe Kup -- "Jewish smarts."
Hagbah: (n) (Hebrew) "raising." After the Torah is read a person is honored with raising the Torah high above his head. (Sephardim) Before the Torah is read a person is
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